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My name is Kelly Matzen (maiden name Kelly Nault), M.A., and I am an award winning parenting author, commonsense family counselor and proud “play-at-home-mom.” More…
Hold On to Your Kids: Research Against Homeschooling
Recently, I’ve put on my parenting sleuth hat to find cold hard evidence and research against homeschooling.
The trouble is I’ve come up rather empty. And the more I do homeschooling (and even unschooling) research, the more I am ready to jump the public school ship and become a homeschooling parent myself. AHHHH!
My husband, who hasn’t read the homeschooling material, is of course (and understandably so!) not convinced. So I figure I might as well find the ugly in homeschooling—find the research against homeschooling and then find ways to overcome these…or not.
While I don’t believe there is a right school for any one child, and admire parents, like one of my girlfriends, who readily admits, “homeschooling my girls would send me into the parenting deep end,” I now see homeschooling as a healthy choice for some families.
My research hasn’t begun because of a child falling behind, although some homeschoolers’ journey begins here. Our challenge is a preschooler (3.5) who has set the goal of counting to his lucky number “2010″, has begun to read street signs better than me, seems to have a photographic memory (wish he got this from me!) and shares my husband’s gene pool in which my hubby skipped a grade and thus, being born in December ended up two years behind his peers (and still bored). Although, I have a short list of possible schools, still not inspired by any of them.
So here’s what I’ve found (and BTW if you have any research against homeschooling, or further homeschooling info please do share).
The Homeschooling Pros:
1. Ability to maintain a strong connection and attachment with your children.
Most parents experience a natural loss when their children enter full time grade school. Suddenly, school and school friends take on an ever increasing important role in our children’s lives. Many school aged children spend more time with their teachers and especially with their peers than they do with their parents.
But socialization is important, right? Well, there is new research, especially in the attachment parenting arena, that suggests children who have a closer proximity and spend greater time with their parents tend to behave better, get better grades, listen to their parents more, often forgo drugs and excessive abuse of alcohol and even, abstain from sex longer.
One of the most important attachment parenting books, and what I consider a must-read, is Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Mate who make a compelling case for ensuring that our children are not raised by their peers (and thus, pop culture). Although, Gordon is not a homeschooling parent, he provides hard core attachment parenting research that suggests the more we as parents can positively influence our children, by being in greater direct contact with them; the better choices they tend to make and the more, they ultimately listen to us—their parents.
Here’s a quote on attachment parenting from Gordon’s videoed workshop, What Makes a Child Easy to Parent:
It is the child’s relationship to the parent that is the pivotal factor [in parenting]…It’s not the parent’s love of the child, it’s the child’s love of the parent.
If we do not have our children’s hearts, we do not have a context to parent them and teach them.
It’s the relationship of the child to the adult…It is that attachment that is important. It is more than love. It includes that, but it is the pursuit of contact and closeness, of nearness, of the child with the parent in every possible way.
2. Nurturing our children’s passions, strengths and talents.
The current school curriculum is a one size fits all plan, no matter what jurisdiction you live in.
I remember all too well, getting an “A” in my seventh grade science class only to receive a “C” the following year. What was the difference? In grade seven, I had a passionate teacher who got me excited about earth science and about making solar cells and more! But by grade 8, I was eeking out a “C” with a teacher and subject (biology and cutting up frogs) that either made me feel sick to my stomach or put me to sleep. Obviously, my intelligence was the same. What failed me, was my interest level.
The great thing about homeschooling is that you, the parent, is responsible for crafting lessons and can choose experiences around your children’s interests so you can maintain their natural curiosity, sense of discover and love of learning.
3. Honoring your child’s natural timing.
We’ve all heard that timing is everything.
Well, when it comes to learning, if you push too soon (from anything from potty training to algebra!), you can miss your child’s natural learning window. When this happens, learning can quickly become an uphill battle. Then learning seems to become the parents responsibility, rather than empowering the child to take responsibility for their own learning.
Homeschooling, provides parents with the opportunity to honor their children’s timing. This means that if they are a bit slow at reading, you don’t need to sweat it or fear that they will fall behind. Alternatively, if they are reading at five, you can march right on ahead, instead of having your child become bored to tears as they wait for the “slower readers” to catch up.
4. Real world experience.
John Dewey, one of the most influential educational thinkers said of school that it is “the one place in the world where it is most difficult to get experience.”
European schools seem somewhat ahead of North America in this aspect, as their learning is based on experience, not just book learning. For instance, many American children will learn about leaves through worksheets only, rather than from actual leaves found in nature on trees.
Even the ever popular life cycle of a seed experiment, in which children use quick germinating seeds like beans, is a somewhat disjointed and artificial experiment as the beans are grown under humming fluorescent lights and often never make it beyond the styrofoam cup to actually produce real beans, in real dirt outside.
5. Academic success.
Perhaps, the most suprising is that in every study I could find, homeschooled children on average go to post secondary school more and do better than public and private schooled children. Researcher Patrick Basham from the Frazer Institute found:
… [A] comprehensive study of American home schooling was led by leading statistician and measurement expert, Dr. Lawrence Rudner of the University of Maryland. The study measured 20,760 home schooled students in all 50 states…
Rudner concluded that, “Those parents choosing to make a commitment to home schooling are able to provide a very successful academic environment.”
For example, “In every subject and at every grade level of the [tests], home schooled students scored significantly higher than their public and private school counterparts.” Home schoolers’ average score fell between the 82nd and the 92nd percentile in reading and reached the 85th percentile in math. Overall, test scores for home schoolers fell between the 75th and 85th percentiles. Public school students scored at the 50th percentile, while private school students’ scores ranged from the 65th to the 75th percentile.
- Patrick Basham of the Frazer Institute: Homeschooling From the Extreme to the Mainstream
The Homeschooling Cons:
1. Limited “socialization” and the fear of having your child become a social misfit.
For many, “socialization” is the biggest problem homeschoolers face. Yet, it seems the research doesn’t support this understandable fear.
As cited in “Home Schooling: From the Extreme to the Mainstream,” the average homeschooled child participates in 5.2 extracurricular activities which includes little leagues, scouts, music lessons, church and other faith groups, dance classes, acting, science groups, naturalist clubs and more.
Rachel Gathercole in her book, “The Well-Adjusted Child: The Social Benefits of Homeschooling” makes a solid case throughout her book that homeschooled children are better socialized with a wider range of ages as they, in general, spend greater time with their siblings and with a variety of diverse ages within their community as they are not hampered by an intensive school schedule nor strictly confined to hang out only with a particular grade level of peers.
2. The increased chance of regularly experiencing mommy burnout.
In the majority of cases, homeschooling is overseen by the mothers. And as parenting is a 24/7 project at any time, making the decision to homeschool means forgoing free babysitting for much of your child’s waking hours. It also means being with them a whole lot more!
This is the homeschooling con for me that is the most important one to overcome. Figuring out a strategy to prevent mommy burnout would seems as important (if not more) than figuring out your children’s homeschooling curriculum. As any parent could agree that spending SO much time, doing SO much for your kids can lead a parent to seriously consider running away from home for good or at least establishing a few new twitches you never previously had!
Regularly, scheduling in time for the homeschooling parent to have a bit of breathier space would seem most advisable indeed. Yet, when I think back to how much time was spent shuttling the boys two and fro from school years ago (they are now in university), all the time spent helping and getting them to do their homework, the worries and dramas of friendship cliches and finally, the stress of getting them out the door in time each morning; I am beginning to wonder if it may just alleviate much of these mommy stresses.
3. Money. Money. And the lack thereof.
Many families are a two income family.
Thus, homeschooling either means flexible work schedules, making the decision to live on only one income or inherit from a wealthy family member!
This concern is nothing to sneeze at as having food in the home and a roof over one’s head is of vital importance. Perhaps, the question for us parents to sometimes ask ourselves is how nice our roof really needs to be, how luxurious our cars need to be, and ask whether the amount of time we are working is really allowing us to enjoy the fruits of our labours and our children at home.
4. Being judged.
Homeschooling (although less so now than ever before!) often carries the immediate assumption that you are either a fundamental bible thumper, a family who wears matching jean dresses and overalls, a “Becky Homecky” mother–or all three!
Perhaps, one of the biggest hurdles our children will face in life ,is getting over worrying about what others think (especially peers) and choosing to do what is right for them, despite others judgments. I am reminded (gulp!) that we parents need to set an example to our children by letting go of the “disease to please” and remember that what others think of us, isn’t nearly so important as what we think of ourselves.
____________________
So there it is my research against homeschooling. Phew! Quite a homeschooling pros and cons list. Quite pathetic really, as I didn’t find that much reserach against homeschooling, but there are some significant cons of homeschooling that I need to take a serious look at before making a final decision.
Regardless of what school route we decide to go as a family, I am left this research process with the feeling of the enormous responsiblity and opportunity we, as parents, have to continually be involved with our children no matter what formal or informal schooling journey they are on. Family connection is indeed one of the main keys to positive parenting and a positive schooling experience. In “The Well Adjusted Child” Rachel brings together this most important link between parent involvement and children’s school success saying:
Beth Levine’s Reader’s Digest article “Help Your Child Excel in School: Tips from Top Teachers” states that to foster a love of learning, parents “have to show kids that learning doesn’t stop with a grade or a diploma—it’s a way of life.”
Levine quotes acclaimed teacher Gina Rau as saying, “I believe the most important thing is to spend time with your kids.” It mentions, moreover, that research has shown that kids whose families eat together have higher literacy rates.
- Rachel Gathercole page 221 of The Well Adjusted-Child
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24 Responses to “Hold On to Your Kids: Research Against Homeschooling”
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Hi, Kelly… I really enjoyed this blog entry. It does a really good job of presenting the various aspects of the debate about homeschooling. A couple additional comments:
1. although “limited socialization” is listed as a con, I would say it’s more a myth or perceived con rather than a real one (whereas the other cons you list are truly potential cons in my mind). The additional info you provided about socialization does clarify but I wonder if someone skimming the article and just reading the subheads would take away the message that it’s a con?
2. another big pro that I’ve read about is that kids don’t have to fear for their personal safety. I can’t remember what the stat is, but basically the majority of kids in public school will at one point or another be the victim of a bully or truly fear for their personal safety. It’s really frightening. Especially when you add in the cyber-bullying going on now with texting and facebook etc. It just seems to me that schools have a really nasty edge to them, based on hierarchy and pecking order and general pettiness.
3. a con I have heard several homeschooling moms talk about is that it’s nearly impossible to maintain a tidy home. Having three kids, I would say that as soon as you have more than 2, that’s gone out the window anyways, but I could see how being at home the majority of each day would contribute to perpetual disorder (especially when kids are doing projects/experiments etc
Hi Goya,
WOW! Never considered the tidy home con, which for a recovering perfectionist like me is definitely a consideration.
Also, yes, personal safety is crucial. Sad, that it is just not a given in schools today!
On another completely different homeschooling note, I just found out from a great source that many private schools unofficially skew their testing results by only having their “A” students take the government tests. As they are not required to take these tests many voluntarily do; yet, one of the top private schools in my area only has their top students take the tests so their academic results achieve stellar standings (yes, also called fraud to many!). Thought this was interesting as I have looked at some private schools as an option and found their academic standings impressive. To be sure, I will take any test results from private institutions with a grain of salt from now on.
So appreciate your thoughts Goya.
Fondly,
Kelly
Hi, Kelly.
I have 4 young kids (ages 4, 5, 7 and 9) have a fear that some day in the future I will be homeschooling one of my kids – especially my oldest. Being somewhat of a perfectionist myself (the messy house thing is a concern for me, altho some moms work chores into the “school day”) I think I would be paralyzed with fear that I would not do the right things for my son. The thought of planning curriculum every day freaks me out, and having possibly all my boys special needs (2 middle kids are Autism Spectrum Disorder and I speculate my oldest has a non-verbal learning disorder) I am drained. I cannot think that I need to be MORE responsible for them than I already feel I need to be. At this point, the Catholic school a half block away seems to be meeting the 2 school aged kids’ needs, but as they get older, the peer struggles may cause me to re-think homeschooling.
If I were to do it, is there a step-by-step guide on what to do every day and how to do it? Or is it up to each parent to come up with curriculum. For Pete’s sake, I can’t even teach my oldest how to count money!!!
Anyway, fearing more of the burden of my kids development on my shoulders is a CON for me, but I would shove that aside if I think my son’s self esteem is in jeapardy or there is bullying going on. And so I wait to see …
Thanks for bringing it up again (I am trying to sound really sincere!) Many friends and both in-law families homeschool, so it is not foreign to me, but I pray I will not need to go that route! I will need a GOOD pep talk before diving in!
Hi Kelly,
Interesting article. I too am like your mom friend who would be afraid of going off the “parenting deep end” homeschooling. Trying to juggle work at home as well as homeschooling a child.
One of the ‘pros’ was a “closer connection with your child.” I think even with sending your child to school you can have a close connection if you are ‘present’ for them during the time they are with you. Even with homeschooling we cannot be expected to be ‘ever present’ and need breaks. So while they’re at school can be the break and when they are with you in the mornings and afternoon/evenings to really be present for them. Easier said than done especially for parents who work all day while their child is as school because then there is the house work cleaning, cooking and paying bills to contend with once you finish work and pick up your children.
One of your ‘cons’ was “The increased chance of regularly experiencing mommy burnout.” and under this you wrote:
“all the time spent helping and getting them to do their homework, the worries and dramas of friendship cliches and finally, the stress of getting them out the door in time each morning; I am beginning to wonder if it may just alleviate much of these mommy stresses.”
Just a thought, not really sure how I feel either way yet but it made me think about the ‘friendship cliches’ and isn’t that part of learning to work with others and learn to adjust to people’s differences? I mean when our children do go into the ‘real world’ and they suddenly see how people/friends are wouldn’t it be kind of a harsh reality to suddenly been thrown onto them? I know it can be argued the other way too that we shelter them from this till they’re older and better able to understand and have a better grasp on their own ‘self’ but even with that it might be more difficult for some than others later down the road or it may not. As I said I’m still mulling it over in my mind.
And as for ‘homework’ and ‘getting them out the door’ aren’t those things better for them to get used to and in the habit of earlier than later so it’s not a harsh new reality for them to get used to later? This way it is like just something we do every day like brushing our teeth and hair. Again, not sure but mulling it over.
Your ‘con’, “being judged” was a great reminder for me as I AM the people pleaser type and I like the quote you used “the disease to please” and will try to work on this myself. (That said, I”m sorry if there are typo’s in this email, grammar and spelling errors or if I just didn’t make myself clear but I don’t have time this morning to proof read this once through before pressing submit and if I don’t type it today, I probably wouldn’t end up replying at all. *wink*)
Just so I’m clear, I’m not pro or against homeschooling and actually admire those parents that take on the challenge.
Kelly if you do decide to homeschool, I think you would be great at it; you’re so energetic, patient and determined.
Take care,
Daniela
Hi Paralyzed with Fear with the Thought of Homeschooling Leanne,
Phew! I am tired just thinking about the possibility of homeschooling Autistic special needs children. Justing parenting 4 children alone could be enough to send you into the parenting deep end. Mothers like you are truly my heroes.
In my early 20′s I worked as a full time camp counsellor for an Easter Seals’ Special Needs Camp. Exhausted to the bone, was what I felt especially during the weeks we had our Autistic campers. Tenting with these incredible children was wonderful, enjoyable, off the wall crazy and sheer wore me out. Of course, I had lots of energy in my 20‘s and got to send these wonderful campers home at the end of each week, thus, it was sustainable.
Homeschooling special needs children (any children for that matter) 24/7 365 would not be something I could physically, mentally (and even spiritually!) do, unless I had some regular self care breaks scheduled in during the week and carved out support within our community.
What I’ve learned is that in some homeschooling jurisdictions you don’t have to go it alone. There are numerous organizations of support. In my hometown Vancouver, Canada you even have the choice of having a support teacher who helps guide you with curriculum and ensures you are meeting certain requirements. There is also sometimes a bit of funding which helps to cover a bit of the homeschooling costs.
As for curriculum, there are some great options. I had a chance to view just a few at the BC Home School Association Convention. Take a look at their vendors http://www.bchomeschool.net/index.php/convention/vendors.html for ideas and websites here. It’s important to note that many homeschoolers don’t use much curriculum (some none at all and amazingly still get results!). Many of the “unschoolers” and “homeschoolers” rely on life experiences heavily. Options for curriculum are thus quite endless.
David Albert’s books are a great homeschooling read if ever you decide you need to look into it further. Whether or not I homeschool, David is a tremendous parenting inspiration and I look forward to featuring more of his parenting wisdom soon, as I have just recently received his agreement to share some of his phenomenal parenting work on the Parenting Touchstones Blog.
Two of David’s books I especially recommend are:
1. Homeschooling and the Voyage of Self-Discovery which has a compelling introduction by Joyce Reed, Associate Dean of the prestigious Brown University http://www.skylarksings.com/books/homeschooling.php
2. Have Fun. Learn Stuff. Grow. Homeschooling and the Curriculum of Love David’s humour, heart, brilliance and inspiration all come through in lovely bite size vingettes about his family’s homeschooling journey with their two daughters. http://www.skylarksings.com/books/havefun.php
Leanne, I will keep my fingers crossed that your current school will fulfill ALL your children’s needs and also, have the faith that if it didn’t, the support you may need to take that homeschooling plunge will be there.
Fondly,
Kelly
Great discussion. You can find some fascinating research results on homeschooling (both children being homeschooled and adults who were homeschooled as children) through the Homeschool Legal Defence Association: http://www.hslda.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=60&Itemid=81. This research was conducted out of a university setting, peer reviewed etc (so valid and reliable).
The results show that homeschoolers do better on pretty much every metric (academic, social, quality of life, connection to community, financial etc etc). Also, for those overwhelmed by the thought of managing and teaching a curriculum, the results show that unschoolers (i.e. people who follow no curriculum at all) do as well as those with strict curriculum.
In preparing our children for the future, I think the key is to instill a love of learning, creativity and self motivation (something the research shows that homeschoolers have in spades). I would argue that the traditional school system does nothing to foster a love of learning (in fact quite the opposite). Ditto on self motivation and creativity. If you study the history of the public school system, you’ll learn that it was designed specifically to create obedient, unquestioning workers for an industrial society (ie factories). That’s not today’s world — or the world of the future. Essentially, I believe that a motivated person will accomplish their goals. Being stuck in a classroom with stale air and burned out teachers for 12 years is not the key to success.
I don’t know that I would have the stamina to homeschool children in the autism spectrum, so I don’t presume to tell anyone how and where to educate their children. However, the take-home message I got from the research and at the recent BC homeschooling conference is that those who benefit the most from homeschooling are children with special needs and learning challenges. The outcomes in public/private school are not great. The outcomes for homeschoolers are in many cases remarkable. Truly.
One other message that stuck with me from the conference:
“Never underestimate the power of quantity time with your children.” I don’t think homeschooling is for everyone, but I do see the advantages of a more connected/attached/relaxed lifestyle that homeschooling would allow.
Thanks for starting the conversation, Kelly!
Kelly,
You have definitely done your research! I would list one other pro: the amount of time you save. Teaching a child one-on-one considerably shortens the amount of time you need to cover the material. Kindergarten took us only 1 – 1 1/2 hours of focused attention each day, broken up into chunks. First grade is about 2 hours a day. It’s amazing what you can cover when you don’t have to worry about classroom management and can concentrate on teaching! Plus you save the time and money of driving your child to school each day. So there is still room to sneak in housework if a messy house bothers you
When I started homeschooling I was reluctant and not sure how it would go. What helped me make the jump was realizing that I only had to commit to one year. After that I could re-evaluate and change my mind if I wanted. Once I realized that I didn’t have to make a decision for all 12 years at once I felt like the pressure was off. My advice would be to try it for a year. Find (or create) a good pre-K curriculum for your son and see how it goes. Then if it works you can consider going on from there, but if it’s apparent that homeschooling is not for you then you haven’t missed any school time.
We have done it for 2 years now and I’m looking forward to next year. Homeschooling will stretch you, but it’s worth it. Seeing those “aha” moments is wonderful, and we have been to symphonies, the theatre, science centers, zoo programs, and all kinds of wonderful field trips that wouldn’t be possible even with the best private school.
Good luck with your decision!
Cheri
Hi Kelly!
Thanks for the great article – homeschooling has been something that has been on my mind for several years now, and I have a couple of friends that are doing it, and loving it!
The one big issue for us is finances -and your statement:
“Perhaps, the question for us parents to sometimes ask ourselves is how nice our roof really needs to be, how luxurious our cars need to be, and ask whether the amount of time we are working is really allowing us to enjoy the fruits of our labours and our children at home.”
- we really can’t scale back much more… with layoffs, and draining our savings to live while laid off, I had to go back to work. We do just minutely more than live paycheck to paycheck… so I think the judgment of “how nice” for many is not necessarily the reality.
I have also found a way to be very active in my kids’ school by volunteering in the classrooms and with the Parent Council, thereby keeping a close connection with what is happening in the school, and I don’t just use it for “free babysitting”.
I do appreciate all the homework you have done on the topic! I am going to check out all the references and links!!
I’m sure you will do great if you choose homeschooling,I have yet to meet anyone that has homeschooled their kids, or has been homeschooled that regrets it!
booyah!
I applaud this blog. I’ve been doing some research myself on homeschooling as a supplement to my children’s regular school. My daughter is starting Kindergarten and my son is a pre-schooler.
I am just afraid that my children would not do well in school so I plan ahead to find all homeschool materials to make education enjoyable at home…have fun and learn at the same time…that is the key I had found useful in their learning.
I personally find that kids learn more and faster if you make the education part a fun and happy experience. I get a lot of good comments from people that my daughter is so smart as she knows how to spell up to 6 letter words (such as colors, flower, and so on), basic simple addition and subtraction, and starting to read time on the analog clock.
In addition, I find as many children games I could find for PC and iPhone. The kind of games I look for require user interaction like on iPhone where they can draw the letters to get a happy face or not if they don’t do it right. And the rewards like getting a Star for completing all 5 tasks.
Medias and materials alone are not enough. Take them out to accompany you for grocery shopping, to the park and feed the squirrels and chipmunks, go on an outing like taking the public transit…exposing them on real world social world not only fills their rather huge cup…the cup gets emptied quite fast and they are thirsty for more! So yes, they are like a sponge, always hungry for more knowledge. But you can’t just pour all of it at once or they’ll drown. Just a drip to half cup full and let them finish it.
They can only absorb the information and knowledge so much. They need to rest and play time–this is another key as well. Too much of the learning process, no matter how fun and enjoyable it is, they will get bored easily and frustrated. The frustration will hinder the learning process. Give them the break, they are still young.
Lastly, don’t use the force tactic. Use the bait tactic. Reel them in to get their curiosity going to learn more. For example, “Daddy, what are you doling?” I then say, “I’m doing the dishes.” Then she looks on as if interested…you can see the eyes glow. Then she says, “Can I help do the dishes?” Reel her in and slowly teach her about the words in dishwashing like “soap”…”bubbles”…”Clean” and so on so that she can spell and read the words like “dish detergent” and recognize the warning symbols. It is that simple.
Those are just a few of my everyday experiences in teaching my kids. Hope that gives everyone an idea on this.
Just came across an article titled Are You a Circle or A Square written by a 13 year old homeschooler that is quite insightful. After reading it, I’ve decided that indeed I am a circle and did my best to become a square over my own education, which is one of the reasons I became such a great “pleaser” in life. Nice to now be in my late 30′s and have the opportunity to live the life of a circle.
Thanks for this article. I was homeschooled along with all my siblings and am now 27 years old with my own child. I just wanted to comment that one of the cons that is very rarely mentioned, is what happens when the child is no longer a child. I think there is very little research or focus on this since homeschooling is still a relatively new movement.
In my experience, I really enjoyed being homeschooled as a child. It was great to explore my own interests and spend time with my family, and to this day we all are morally stable, intelligent adults who have gotten college degrees, etc.
However, I as a teenager I started to realize what a “misfit” I was and how I was unable to relate to other people. Because I needed “something else” by the time I was 15, but highschool did not seem like an option after homeschooling, I started a community college and ended up spending more than 6 years earning my bachelors degree, alongside much older peers.
My main problem with homeschooling is that it did not prepare me (or my siblings) for “reality” of life as an adult. We were brought up in a controlled, secure environment, then suddenly thrown into the real world and expected to function according to the rules and schedules of a competitive society. Having always had things “easy” at home, reality can be crippling. To this day I have never been able to find a job that I enjoy because the pressure of deadlines and social expectations is always too much for me.
I believe that in an ideal world, homeschooling is great, but we have to realize that the world is not ideal and sooner or later our children will no longer be in a controlled environment where everything is adapted to their needs. Then how will they function in our society? I prefer to gently, gradually encourage my daughter’s independence (instead of all at once) so that she can be a fully functioning, confident adult when the time comes.
This is just my experience however, not backed by research. Someone else in my situation might have a completely different opinion, and I respect that.
Thank you for your insightful comments Laina! Really great to have a personal homeschooling perspective and to hear about the “misfit” con that I failed to mention from a homeschooled student herself. Appreciate you taking the time and for your balanced and respectful perspective.
Would love to know more from you. For instance what do you plan to do with your own child when it comes to schooling? As a family counsellor, so often I see that we as parents either follow in the footsteps of our own parents, or turn on our heels by doing a complete 180 degree shift. For instance I was a Montessori schooled preschooler with a hard working mother who was rarely around, but now choose to be a “play-at-home mom” and only work in the evenings and during naptimes. Curious where you are on this continuum.
Also, wondering if the fact that you and your siblings are morally stable and intelligent adults balances out the “misfit” aspect of your teen years, or would you have preferred to go the public schooling route from the start? Funny, even though I was class valedictorian, lead in the school plays (think Glee) and on the surface was fairly popular, I never felt that I could be myself. Perhaps, like many teens I worked hard to cross over to the popular crowd by neglecting some of my own passions and ended up going to parties that I really didn’t like and doing things I really didn’t want to do. Although, I wouldn’t say I felt like a “misfit” I did feel like I couldn’t really be myself and became a “pleaser” early on.
In terms of feeling that homeschooling did not prepare you for the “reality” of life as an adult, what specifically do you wish you would have learned? This is of particular interest to me, as I believe the vast majority of young adults (schooled or homeschooled) are not prepared for the “real world” that they will face today. When I was a post-doctoral counsellor at a local university I often counselled and gave career workshops to highly intelligent students who were clueless in terms of things like budgeting, cooking, laundry and even finding a job. Do you attribute your lack of feeling prepared to homeschooling or to your parents who may have sheltered you too much. What could they have done to have supported you in feeling greater confidence when you entered the threshold of young adulthood?
Finally, in terms of socialization (the #1 concern of most parents who look at homeschooling) what are your thoughts here? Is there a difference between what some refer to as “homeschooled” and “homeschooler as one bright homeschooler teen delves into in her fun youtube homeschooling monologue ?”
Excited to hear back from you and hopefully continue the conversation.
Hi. I am a homeschool Mom of 7 ranging from a Jr to a preschooler. I wanted to thank you for an informative read that wasnt judgemental and didn’t bash homeschooling. I agree 100% that homeschooling is not for everyone, but it is a perfect fit for our family. My house is not spotless, but with 7 kids in a small house, it wouldn’t be spotless if they all went away to school either. We do incorporate chores as part of every day because I feel it is important for children to learn responsiblity. I have kids that people love to be around and that can be counted on to help anyone in any way. They are mature, respectful, obedient, and responsible because that is what they have learned from their peers~parents, older siblings, approved friends, church family ~of all ages. I wish more people would approach their schooling options like you. Good luck on making this important decision for your family.
Jeannette
I have homeschooled my dd K-3rd grade so far.
She attended 3yr and 4yr part-time preschool which was a good base for kindergarten for which I improvised with minimal effort.
I used “big boxed” curriculum for 1st grade.
Put together my own for 2cd and 3rd.
Plan to continue.
I found using the “box” for 1st grade gave me a great foundation.
I just found the manuals too bulky and time consuming.
I also work full-time, RN evening shift.
I loved the process of making choices of materials,loosely based on my states standards.
(I am also fortunate enough to live in very good school district
that lets you do your own thing with minimal record keeping support and testing.
MY advice is to get rid of the TV and
and other screens/buttons until your child has mastered reading
and writing as best they can.
You can not compete for your childs attention.
We do not have a TV.
I have focused on the “3 R’s”, surrounded her with quality books, magazines with no ads, videos (of my choosing
) and ecyclopedias, DK books etc., passed down or bought second hand.
And, of course, utilized our public library.
I have focused on teaching her “how to learn about what you want to know”.
I feel that giving her a strong foundation in what I call “study skills” and “independent study” by surrounding her with opportunities and quality
source materials has ignited a pattern of “unschooling”.
This demonstrates that eliminating the distractions of “pop culture”
in itself creates space for natural curiosty and real, in-depth learning independent of
what the curriculum requirements might be.
I will use a CDROM based math for 4th and going forward.
I find teaching math takes up too much of my time.
Mostly, parents know their kid, and if they want to commit to a homeschooling lifestyle then they can expect to need support for those panicky moments when you wonder if you are doing the right thing for your child.
I remind my self to look at her and guage what is happening by how she is doing and not tranfer my own feelings on to her.
She is a happy child, she is not at all lonely because she has plenty of access to the
most important person in her life, me ,her mom. ( and Dad)
Hence she is a social, competant and empathetic person in her own right.
You can do it if you want it!
P.S. I can see that we will be spending more time helping her keep up with her social calender as time goes on!
)
(first crush
One more thing…remember you are raising adults, not kids.
…homeschooled or not we need to focus on helpng them to learn how to support themselves at every opportunity.
Good luck !!;)
Hi Karen! Thanks for your homeschooling inspirations and thoughts.
The part that really resonated with me, in what you said, is just how difficult it is to compete with the TV, videos, and/or computer screen time when it comes to getting and keeping our children’s attention. I too have chosen not to expose our preschooler to TV while at home, and it has worked great for us. Generally, what I see is a far better capacity to entertain oneself, to help out around the home and to maintain an active (not just passive) curiosity in life. With our schedule right now, I find that we hardly have enough time to do the important things we love like cooking together, music, cleaning, reading, home experiments and the fun outings we regularly go on, that I don’t know where we would actually fit a lot of TV into. When our preschooler is at Grandpa’s, who lets him on many computer games I wouldn’t, I see that two hours are eaten up without fresh air or without a lot of quality learning. Yet, I know my choice for no TV right now is a radical choice for many, many families.
Curious what you would recommend, if anything, to parents (homeschooling parents, public school parents, and even private school parents) who are struggling with a bunch of kids at home, who are working to make ends meet, who don’t have a lot of support and use the TV as a bit of time for sanity for them? Just wondering if you have an suggestions here. Difficult dilemma, I know.
Also, will definitely check out “big box” as I have made the decision to homeschool this fall (quite frankly, have been doing it since his birth!). I’ve come to the conclusion that all of us parents, homeschooler or not, are indeed homeschooling. Some of us, just do it more consciously than others, and some of us have more outside help than others.
Thanks again,
Kelly
Joci’s “Gramie” is definately into letting the kids do whatever they want…hence hours of big screen Nick Jr.,
raman noodles for lunch, crafts and free play! She is an only child but is fortunate enough to have 6 girl cousins around her age !!
I totally sympathize with the TV question. The American Academy
of Pediatrics used to recommend ‘No TV until the age of two’
then changed it to ‘No TV until the age of 3′ !! This made a lot of sense to me (and the timing was right).
I started letting her watch Chinese Mandarin langauge videos for young children when she was 3(probably on her birthday).
I made certain she had a small selection to choose from. (She is adopted Chinses so we had made the commitment to help her learn her native culture.)
I found this was good for those times we needed the downtime.
I also carefully choose other videos for her-many of which were disappointing and just got rid of them.
When she was 4 we flew to Hawaii- the only thing that saved us on the return trip was that there was a 4 yo in front of us that had a portable DVD player…then I bought one. Just for energencies.
Joci started using it at home (we have a small house and noise
can be an issue).
I found using this portable player for some videos also gave the option of captions. Ah-ha…help with reading.
Everyone has their own taste and there is good stuff out there.
We love Little Bear…
I think good quality videos are the key. Time limited and no
advertizing to “brand” them.
The language methods really work…repetition…most kids like to watch the same favorite videos over and over again !!
We love the BBC Muzzy Mandarin Chinese, also Mei Mei.
There are lots of resources out there now for adopted chinese
children.
I would say, nothing wrong with limited good quality video, to help keep the peace and this time can be a time for learning too!!
I vote for ‘No games’, except with grandpa at his place.
Although, we do have Chirp and the Big Wide World on our favorites list, also a couple of Webkins at a site she shares with a chinese friend who is not allowed to own one.
As for the “big Box”-Calvert gave me experience with a traditional curriculum and the confidence to build my own with the wonderful resources out there.
Check out timberdoodle.com.
Good Luck-you can do it, better.
-Karen
A question I’ve often wondered about in relation to homeschooling – how does one overcome the problem of limiting their kids by their own abilities or world view? What I mean is that there is a tendency for us to teach our kids the things that we are good at, that we enjoy and that we value. But what if we have a kid who has a passion and/or talent for something that we’ve never even heard of? Or what if part of who they are is something that is different from the rest of the family? It would be very difficult for a kid to “self-direct” their learning if they haven’t been exposed to that thing. For example, maybe a kid absolutely loves to make pottery, but their parents have never thought to do it at home. It’s not that you coudln’t do it at home, but you might not have thought of it, whereas at school, a teacher might introduce it because they are interested in it themselves. I guess this is more of a concern when kids get older – high school is often when kids get exposed to completely different ways of thinking from their home environment, but I do wonder about it. I know so many people who end up with interests different from their families and often attribute a caring and thoughtful teacher with inspiring them to pursue it. Any thoughts?
Victoria, being a “recovering perfectionist” I can relate to your question. My guess is many “super moms” attempting or thinking about homeschooling may be at times plagued with trying to be everything and provide everything for their kids (like me!).
The fact is parents do have a tendency to sway their kids toward their own passionate pursuits and values (as it should be). However, when it comes to homeschooling, I believe expanding one’s community is essential so that our kids have all kinds of positive and varying mentors/teachers in their lives.
If my child show interest in something I know nothing about (for instance my preschool right now is crazy about black holes) there are so many resources available today through libraries, the web and simply reaching out to others. Suddenly, our planetarium has become a weekly stop and the astronomers there have been invaluable. Fortunately, I really get jazzed about learning new things so it’s fun when my child is the one who introduces me to something new and we tandem learn together.
Another thing I do that makes eliminates this concern for me, is that I actively pursue our friends and family who have interests and specialities that are so different from mine. For instance one friend’s dad is, of all things, a terrific costume maker so I asked him if he would spend a morning helping us to make a costume. Another friend’s mother makes phenomenal Indian food, so she gave us an Indian cooking lesson. My cousin fishes, and so he is my fishing expert and so on it goes. This common sense parenting method harkens back to the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child.” And the more we can access our village, and the wisdom of our diverse villagers, the less concern I believe we will have that somehow we will miss the opportunity to support our kids’ gifts. David Albert’s homeschooling books eloquently speak to this quite a bit.
Curious what your homeschooling/schooling path will be Victoria.
Well, this reply is a little late when I look at the dates. lol However, I felt it was important to reply to this post. We’ve experienced both homeschooling and public schooling; actually, we homeschooled, then sent our children to a small public school, then brought them back to homeschooling after a few years of unsatisfactory learning and environment.
Don’t worry about being judged. As a recovering people pleaser (do you ever really get over it?), I can tell you the epiphany I had a few years ago that helped me: If you live your life for other people, you’ll never really live your life. You have to remember that your kids are more important than the woman driving the SUV, or the supermarket bagger, or the mechanic who changes your tires. And, in some cases, you have to remember that they are more important than what Aunt Nell might think…though that can be trickier.
My kids are happier homeschooled. I have children who are advanced in foreign language and language arts (when did they change that from plain old English?). However, they aren’t as confident in their math skills, so we go slower in math than we do in other subjects. No problem. Our local school wouldn’t be able to offer them the ability to move at their own pace (going back to relearn fractions, taking time reciting multiplication tables). They also wouldn’t be able to offer French and Japanese, which they’re studying (at their request).
Are my kids weird? Yes. They have me and my husband as parents, so they didn’t stand a chance. Okay, seriously, who decides what is weird and what is not? Bill Gates, weird. Donald Trump, weird. The late Steve Jobs, weird. Albert Einstein…definitely weird. I try to teach my children that labeling people is wrong, which is something they were never taught in school (in fact, they were labeled by teachers, who openly talked about students). However, I also make a point of letting them know that most great minds, before our time and during, are labeled as “strange” and “weird”. An active, creative mind is often seen by the outside world as odd because creative minds don’t conform.
Money can be a problem for some, and I understand that. It’s not like we’re the Rockefellers. But we had to make the conscious choice to drive older cars, and pay cash for them. We live in a nice but modest house. We eat a lot of pasta and beans, and make lots of homemade foods and meals instead of eating out. However, there are other options. If you have family or friends who can watch your child while you work, you can always hire a tutor to come in to work with your child during work hours. Or, you can enroll them in an on-line homeschool program, where they can do their work wherever they are staying while you’re working. You can also enroll them in correspondence classes. These are not always viable options, which is why I’m a homeschooler and a school reformation advocate. If a parent needs to use the public school system, then they should feel comfortable doing so, unlike most parents now.
If you’re afraid of burn-out, or of socialization, I suggest finding a local homeschool group. Ours has been a blessing, because once a week they are either taking classes headed by another parent (chorus, science, drama), or playing like maniacs at the local park with the other kids in our group. They get a chance to be with other kids of all ages, and to experience another teaching style other than mom’s. While they’re doing that, it means that the moms have a chance to sit and chat, take a long breather, and socialize, just like our kids. In fact, most of us even load our kids up and go have lunch together during the break between classes. It really helps to have that one day a week to not have to focus so much on lessons. Plus, can we say sleep over with their homeschool friends?
As far as knowing what your child is interested in, they will definitely let you know. I can’t tell you how many of our lesson plans get tossed out the window because we started learning about icebergs, then start talking about the “brine-cicle” the BBC filmed. And of course we have to go see that on-line. Then we have to talk about how many sea urchins and starfish are on the bottom of the ocean, which of course leads to curiosity about other sea creatures. Suddenly, I have children who absolutely have to know how deep is the deepest crater in the ocean, what the largest fish is, what the largest water mammal is…when the questions start rolling, you know they’re hooked. I feed this until they’ve exhausted their desire to learn more, or until we’ve learned everything we can.
Oh, and as a quick aside, have you checked out Khan Academy? It’s become indispensable to lots of homeschool families, and is invaluable for us in helping to explain certain concepts.
I’d love to talk to anyone considering homeschooling before they embark on the journey. I’m the product of a k-12 homeschool education and have some thoughts on the matter that I believe are important to ensure that children are getting the best education possible.
Sarah, Love to hear from you about your own personal experience, as each homeschooler’s and those who have been the product of a hybrid public school/homeschool are often so unique. Truly one of the best ways for you to share with us, is right here so lots of parents can read about it and decide for themselves at any time. Appreciate you reaching out. Fondly, Kelly
Hello all, I was homeschooled K-12 and am currently an Honors student on scholarship at Auburn University. War Eagle! I found this page while doing research for a speech on homeschooling that I’m doing for a communication class, and I’d love to address a couple of the discussion questions you all have brought up.
1. Socialization: This is, in my opinion, the #1 concern expressed by non-homeschoolers nationwide. I was constantly asked, growing up, if I had any friends. Let me assure you, homeschoolers can make friends just like everyone else! Yes, it may require a little more effort on the student’s part to meet similarly-aged peers than a public or private school student would need to exert, but it’s really not a big issue in the least. Even as an introvert, I made plenty of friends growing up, both fellow homeschoolers and otherwise. I went to countless football games at my local public high school with friends, in addition to attending homecoming dances and prom with my public-schooled girlfriend. Don’t be afraid of socialization problems, just remember to be proactive in meeting people!
2. Messy home: Well, to be honest with you, the home can get a little messy sometimes. I have two brothers and two sisters, all homeschooled, so believe me when I say the house was not always perfectly dusted, vacuumed, etc. when all five of us were at home. However, it wasn’t as messy as you might think; my mom included household chores along with homework on our daily checklists, and that took care of most cleanliness issues. Also: at the end of the day, your children’s education will matter more than the spotlessness of your house!
3. Feeling burned out: Homeschooling your kids makes you a teacher, and, just like a teacher at a public or private school, you will have times when your job is hard. Just like any job, sometimes there are frustrations. I was rebellious and upset with my parents during the first couple years of high school, and that was something that my mom had to deal with on a daily basis. It wasn’t always easy for her! However, I ended up growing out of that phase, and now I thank my parents regularly for making the smart decision to homeschool me and for sticking it out even when I was a whiny teenager.
So, in conclusion, I will not tell you that homeschooling your children is easy. In fact, it’s definitely not easy! It’s a job. At the end of the day, though, it is one of the most rewarding jobs out there, both for parents and for children. My family relationships are much stronger than those of most of my public or private schooled peers, because of the amount of time we spent together on a daily basis, and (I apologize if I sound boastful here) I outperformed nearly all of my friends on the SAT and other important tests! After 12 years of homeschooling, here I am, a sophomore at a large public university, and I’m thriving both socially and academically. Take the plunge! Homeschool your kid(s)! You won’t regret it.
Dear Christian,
Really appreciate the time you spent answering some of the issues that came up for parents in this homeschooling post. Obviously, your parents must be mighty proud of you, and I take off my hat (even my shoes!) to your mother for the endless hours, passion and PATIENCE she must have had homeschooling all five of you!
As you are now well in to post secondary studies, I am curious your thoughts on what specifically you and your parents did to prepare you for this leap into academics. Also, wondering what your siblings are doing and if they all fared as well as you have. As a family counselor, I find that generally first borns (maybe you are the eldest in your clan?) tend to take this route, but your comments around your teen rebellion are generally, not a-typical of an eldest. If you have a moment, would love to know more.
Wishing you all the very best!
Fondly,
Kelly